ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
