my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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