drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Randomize
