This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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