Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
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