we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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