Don't you send me to vm
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
