no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
