I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
