i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
is your mom at the bar?
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
