I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
