Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
