watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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