Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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