Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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