my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
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