I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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