My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
