i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
