yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
