Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
