I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
His hands were made for my vagina.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
don't judge my taste in strippers
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
