hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
