how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
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