i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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