I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
