Umm I'm too high to move.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
