Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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