he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
