My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
