dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
