i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
