I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
