I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
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