Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
4 words: hood of his car
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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