I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Randomize
