There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Randomize
