Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
