Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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