I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
