Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
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She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
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That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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