I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
