I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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