He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
