If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
