No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Randomize
