The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
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