it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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