I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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