he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
I could make wine with my vomit
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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