I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
