I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
