I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking