We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
25 People Confess The Biggest Betrayal They Have Ever Faced
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
25 Odd Things These Pathetic People Do For Enjoyment
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today