In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
