Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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