he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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